Katze: I hear that Condor's one bad muthafu…
Devilstars: Shut yo' mouth!
Katze: I'm just talkin' bout the Condor!
Devilstars: We can dig it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We are so lost."

"We are NOT lost." He was the Condor, for God's sake. Champion of the Africa 9000, world famous stock car driver. Grown men pissed themselves at the sight of him in battle. "We are NOT lost." He added with further emphasis, in the hopes that the more times he said it like that, it would become reality.

In fact, the reality was that they were hopelessly lost.

"We're hopelessly lost." Ken said firmly, before rolling up the spiral bound map booklet into a tight cylinder and beating Joe about the head and shoulders until the little metal coil sprang free of it's binding and pinged off the windshield of the rented Honda Civic hatchback.

"OW!"

Ken tried to think of the best way to put it into a perspective that Joe would comprehend. Nambu had sent them undercover to search out a cult with supposed Galactor ties kidnapping the world's great chefs in this godforsaken backwoods swamp country. Had sent them undercover without the G2 in the fear that it would be recognized. Had given them directions apparently written by a senile, half-blind marmoset.

Now they were on a dirt road, just about out of gas, with a flat tire (a situation that the G2, with it's fuel cells, run-flat tires, and onboard GPS, among other things, would have entirely avoided) in the pouring rain, and completely, thoroughly…

"Lost." Ken settled on the monosyllabic approach as Joe sulked in the driver's seat, muttering a grudging, if incomprehensible, agreement.

"Well.. this road's got to lead somewhere.. it's got a lot of tire tracks on it." Joe finally offered, still rubbing his head. "It doesn't look like it's going to stop raining anytime soon.."

Ken sighed. "You're right. We might as well try and check it out."

They hadn't trudged through the muck and driving rain for long, before they saw the faint yellow glow of lights through the dense trees.

"BOO-YAH!" Ken shot the ebullient Condor a dirty look, then rolled his eyes as they trudged up the winding driveway towards the looming old house.

"……it looks like the house from Scooby Doo." Joe added, with a sneeze as thunder and lightning growled overhead for puncuation. "C'mon. Ring the doorbell. I'm too soaked to care about the covert approach. We can always kick some ass if we have to."

Ken went to stab the battered, faintly lit button, but as he did, the huge oak doors swung open with a long, creaking sound.

The two most deadly operatives in the ISO shrieked like schoolgirls at a Backstreet Boys concert.

Standing in the flood of gaslight was a man, hunchbacked from the weight of his enormous blond afro, an equally enormous handlebar moustache adorning his oddly-blue-skinned face. In his posh clothes and huge platform shoes, he looked like nothing less than the bastard offspring of smurfette and a pimp.

Joe started to laugh in a small wash of relief, before Ken elbowed him. "Uhm. 'scuse me sir. We got a flat tire down the way a bit, and…"

"Why don't you cats come in?" The afro'ed man stepped aside. "You here t'see the chairman, dig?"

"The.. who?" Ken and Joe looked at each other, half in confusion and half in that subtle-unspoken-communication-way they'd developed from years of working together that said, in essence,

"Boo-yah."

"This is Chairman Katzenfurter's pad, dig it?" Without warning, then, he turned and hollered. "HEY! Gelsadora!!" A girl wandered in, long blond hair waving slightly as she balanced two steaming cups in her hands, love-beads and fringes moving in the same rhythm.

"Totally, Ego-baby. I got the cosmic vibe that we'd be getting two drowned rats in the mail." She grinned spacily. "Here you guys go, nice hot chocolate…"

~~~~~~~
Audience: DRINK THE HOT CHOCOLATE! THE POISON SETTLES ON THE BOTTOM!
~~~~~~

Joe blinked and looked around. "Did you hear something?"

"That's just the chairman's dinner party." The blue-skinned man demurred. "Now why don' you cats get out of them wet threads and…"

"Egobossleeeeer!"

Ken felt the hair on the back of his neck stand straight up as he and Joe turned in unison to find the source of the piercing voice. Sliding down the baroque banister, in a glittering wash of purple and pink sequins was.. well..

"It can't be…" Ken started.

"It has to be…" Joe added. They looked at each other, then at the clapping figure with the glittering purple domino mask. Blonde baloney curls bounced in excited time.

"We have guests!" S/he shrieked, before sidling up to the blue man.

"I …see you've met my handyman.." S/he purred, garning a glowering look from under the massive afro. "I guess he's down because he'd hoped you were the candyman!"

Ken and Joe blinked in unison. "HUH?"

"Now, don't get strung out, by the way I look." S/he wagged a purple-satin-gloved finger at them as she sang. "You might even give it a whirl! Sometimes when you see me, I'm just all man, but then I can be as much of a girl!"

The two science ninja backed slowly away as the others began a line dance in the foyer. "I'm just a sweet hermaphrodite! From.. hermasexual.. Kara-co-oh-ruuuuum!"

"Hermasexual's not a word." Ken pointed out before Joe could shush him, and the glittering figure pranced over to them.

"Just go with the flow, boyscout!" S/he tapped him on the nose. "Let me show you my goons, we can dig some phat tunes. You both seem pretty beefcake…if you want something else, let me look on my shelf, I could whip up an old fashioned clambake!"

Joe scowled. "That's.. nice. Look, you got a phone we could use?"

Ken nodded. "We.. don't want to trouble you."

The sparkling hermaphrodite pirouetted. "Your car's gone dead? Don't worry your head. I've got just the thing to make it better. Just sit where you're led, I'll get you fed. Would you like to try some apples and cheddar?"

"You know, that doesn't sound too bad…" Joe pondered, out loud, trying very hard not to watch the high-kicking line dancers as they shimmied around.

"I'm just a sweet hermaphrodite, from hermasexual KARA-CO-OH-RUUUUM!"

Ken opened his mouth, then promptly closed it again, as he started to look for the most efficient means of escape, one that didn't involve Joe, preferably. This was mainly because the sparkling figure had hopped into Joe's arms.

"Why don't you stay for the night?" S/he crooned to the stunned Condor, as the other two leaned forward.

"Night!"

"Or, maybe a bite?" S/he chomped pearly whites at Joe, who was beginning to blanch. "I could show you my favorite obsession!" S/he slithered away. "I've been gathering cooks, and some recipe books, and together we'll conquer the nation!"

There is something to be said for the stoic resolution imparted by years of training for the Kagaku Ninja Tai, and in the interest of investigation, Joe gritted his teeth, and gave Ken a resignedly sour look.

Before they could launch into another chorus, Ken held up a hand. "You know, we're starving. How about something to eat?" The glittering figure squealed in delight.

"Well, come this way.. to my ARENA OF FOOD!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Audience pelts the screen with copies of Bobby Flay cookbooks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ken blinked. "Did you feel something shoot past your head?"

"Oh, that's just the Chairman's dinner party." The hippie girl said, swaying along beside them. "isn't it just the coolest, man? Totally far out!"

Joe took a step away from her as they followed the Chairman down the corridor to the kitchen.

There, at the head of the kitchen, was a gigantic throne with the galactor logo emblazoned tastefully on the top, if a giant abstract grinning demon head can be considered at all tasteful, with a girl in a pink bunny costume lounging across it.

"CERISE!!!!"

She immediately hopped up. "Chairman Katze!!" She squealed in perfect imitation of said chairman, and proceeded to bounce down the stairs, ears bobbing madly.

Ken looked over to see Joe's head bobbing in time with the….. ears, and elbowed him.

"Cerise. Don't sit in my chair." The Chairman said fondly, before draping hirself across it, just as the bunny-costumed girl had done. "BRING OUT THE CHEFS!"

Several small, unattractive children wheeled out a huge, curtained dais.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Audience: DRINK UNTIL THE CHILDREN BECOME APPEALLING!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joe scratched his head. "I could've sworn I heard something.."

Ken nodded, then pointed dramatically to the curtain. "Joe! Look!"

Chairman Katze began to laugh dramatically. "That's right!! Look upon my works, ye mighty and despair! Iron Chef Kipper! Iron Chef Tonkatsu! Iron Chef Escargot! Iron Chef Creamed Leek!"

Out from under the curtain leapt four armored chefs, pelting them with fish, pork cutlets, snails and … well. Creamed leeks.

"It's a trap! The chefs have become brainwashed Galactor androids! BIRD G..WOULPH!" Ken immediately went down with a lightly seasoned and flame grilled pork cutlet to the face.

"KEEEEN!!!!" The Condor knelt beside his fallen comrade, piquant creamed leeks oozing off his birdstyle. "Ken, speak to me!"

"Joe.. Go on without me.. you know.. what you have to do!"

"I.. I'll never forget you, Ken." Joe wheeled on the chefs, pulling out his feather shuriken. "All right.. Let's get cooking!!!"

Chairman Katze stood up in hir chair. "BRING OUT THE GIANT PUPPY FONDUE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They watched Joe run out of the room, screaming and trailing little a/v cables behind him.

Jinpei simply folded his arms and looked smugly at Ryu.

The Phoenix's pilot grumped at him. "Ok. Fine. So, Raphael DID install him with audio-visual ports. Next time I get to pick which DVDs we use."

Jinpei winked. "I was thinking Tomb Raider III and the Care Bears marathon. Whaddya think?"

And they laughed.

End.